Wednesday, May 25, 2005
i'm really bored. hahahaha wondering if i shd stay up to watch AC milan vs liverpool. i hope liverpool
lo... hm no. i will b nice. i hope AC Milan wins! haha but v sad. y AC milan? y not juventus? nvm tho. julie n i bet against my boss n james dat AC milan's going to win. if we win the bet, we'r getting brownies! haha anw come on lah. italian soccer is much more classy. i dun care.
oh yah. i wanna go on a holiday! dunno where i wanna go tho. i just wan to go sumwhere nice, sumwhere away from s'pore. i really hope sch starts soon. feel lyk i'm rotting my life away at the moment.. :(
random thoughts at 9:21:00 AM
Sunday, May 01, 2005
it's been almost a mth.. i suppose i'v finally found enuf feelings for a bunch of things worth blogging abt after 2day.. the past few wks havent really been the best time of wadeva's gone of 2005 n i really feel lyk i'm on great big mood swings esp most recently. the prob is, ppl who go on mood swings experience highs n lows in their "happy-to-okay-to-sad/angry-meter" but y i only can feel the lower spectrum of emotions? it's lyk my moods fluctuate back n forth from sian to sad/angry only. mayb cos i miss my dear too much? haha largely so i guess.. but it's okay lah. lyk every1 tells me,
i must learn to get used to it. okay lor -sulks- haha bleahs
oh yah. i mustnt 4get to say dis:
ey ry, i'm sorry i was so angry dat day. i also dunno y but nowadays i really just cannot stand it when u always show up late whenever we meet. nowadays i v easy get pissed off so u come 5mins late i also buay tahan lor. lyk i told u a million times, i think i spend 1/2 my life waiting for u. can b pls TRY to come on time or b early next time, nextnext time, nextnextnext time, n 4eva n ever? :Panw there'r some ppl i'm going to mention whom may not even noe abt my blog but i guess there'r always some little little things dat u r just not able or it's just not suitable to tell ur frens face-to-face or to even let them noe. it doesnt matter to me whether or not wad i'm going to say to these ppl actually get to them. i just need an outlet to say some stuffs. yah..
to the fren i met up with 2day: thx alot for the so-called treat since i din expect it to b a treat if not i wldnt'v agreed to it. yup but anws, perhaps our frenship is really v unique such dat we only talk online mayb abt 2 to 3 times a yr online, sms alittle once in a long while, meet up abt twice a yr.. haha as u had put it, u lyk to "keep the distance" which is fine with me.
i'll always rem u as the 1st person whom i really tot was crazy, the 1 i was so afraid of cos u kinda used to stalked me arnd, the 1 who talked to my frens in irc just to find out stuffs abt me, the 1st guy to give me a birthday prez n valentine's day prez, the 1 who broke up with his gf n caused her to cast weird looks at me, the 1 who sweared u'll love me for "at least 5 yrs" (haha), the 1 who waited at the playground below my flat for 6hrs til i got home, probably the 1st guy i watched a movie with even tho i was v reluctant abt it, the 1st person i'v watched a movie with who asked me "r u cold?" halfway thru the show, the 1st guy who asked to take neoprints with me tho i refused to, the 1st guy to send me home tho i insisted it wasnt necessary, the 1 who saved every single 1 of our conversations in irc, n so much more..
dat was all 2 yrs ago but i remember lots of things abt the ppl who leave me deep impressions. 2 yrs from then, we'v both changed alot n it's obvious. u wldnt tell me y u got so depressed til u had to c a psychologist but it's okay. it's not my business to poke into anw. i wldnt press u for an answer if u dun wish to tell me. talking to u 2day made me feel dat we'v got some sort of understanding cos i guess we both belong to the pessimistic category n mayb of all ppl, u wld understand my agony of just breathing n staying alive. it's not dat i'm not satisfied with my life but lyk i told u, i just really find it so difficult to feel truly happy. u used to end ur smses by telling me to smile more but just now u said u'r going to change n tell me to b "happy always" cos now u understand the importance of being happy. u too noe dat "when i'm smiling it doesnt mean i'm happy" but smiling n pretending to b happy makes the ppl arnd us feel better. i noe, dat's y i'v learnt over the yrs to smile, smile, n still smile. of cos, sumtimes i really just dun feel lyk pasting a smile on my face n even if i force myself, it just ends up luking too fake.
the last time we met n had a gd talk, u said u think i'v changed to become less pessimistic but have i really? haha i think it's just the doing of being out of the shadow of being a "nanyang girl" n being in love with a really really nice person :) but somehow i think if u were once really depressed n pessimistic, it's going to stay with u thruout ur life? i still get v upset n unhappy over many things. most of the time i just get too bored n will start to think too much abt things i shdnt think abt, mayb cry myself to slp n recover the next day until the cycle repeats itself again. it all stems from sheer boredom. i cant b allowed to get too bored at home. haha anw altho i noe u noe dat it's really much harder to b happy than to tell sum1 to b happy, i hope u'll get over ur depression soon yah? :)
to another depressed fren: hey girl, i dunno wad's going on with him lah but i guess u'r not as happy as i tot u'd b. if it has anything to do with him, i think u shd just talk to him properly n c if u can solve the prob? if it doesnt have anything to do with him (which i think is largely the case), mayb u can try to confide in him or some other frens? u noe i'm here if u need me. just give me a call or sms. i can meet up with u if u wan. i may not b able to console u or come out with some wonder solution for ur problems or make all ur unhappiness n anger go away, but i'm still able to just sit by ur side n listen to u yah?
there'r much too many things dat we cant control but it's not our fault. dun cut urself or do anything to hurt urself physically anymore cos it's not going to take away or lessen any amount of hurt u'v received mentally n emotionally. u noe it urself. inflicting pain on urself will only make u feel worse. the lastime i saw the cut on ur wrist i alr told u not to do it again so pls dun do anything of such sort. u'r just going to leave another scar on urself to remind u of the times when u were so down u just wanted to die n 4get everything. it's not going to help. i noe i'v said dis lots of times (many others have probably told u the same old stuffs repeatedly), n tho i'm not exactly the happiest person on earth, i think there shd b a limit to how much depressed a person can b n i do think u shd get some form of help lest u sink even deeper.
to sum1 whom i wldnt choose to meet up with if given a choice: i guess meeting up with u isnt evitable 4eva but i really hope u'r not going to piss me off again whenever we do meet up. i dun have anything to say to u n i'm praying n wishing dat u have nth to talk to me abt as well. i nv wanted to get in ur way so pls stop trying to step on my toes b4 i box ur nose flat. yah. n u cant believe how glad dat there'r ppl on my side cos they also noticed all ur xiao3 dong4 zuo4 n picked up on ur snooty little comments. sorry i have nth nice to say to u. it's just dat i'm not a hypocrite. n just to let u noe (if u do happen to read my blog n noe i'm refering to u), i dun need u to pretend to b nice to me cos i noe better than to b taken in by u.
to ppl who ever felt dat u cannot understand wad's going thru my mind: i dun think any1 wld ever dare boast saying he/she noes me v well cos i frankly do not think such a person exists (or at least i havent met such a person). i dun c y ppl always felt dat there's a need to understand each other. is it really so impt? if every1 understood each n every1 else, den wad's the whole pt of being frens, having conversations n hanging out? u'd alr noe wad the other person is thinking, wad he/she is going to do n wad he/she is thinking of. if u dun even need to get to noe each other better since u alr noe ur frens so well u can read them lyk the palm of ur hand den i really dun c the pt of interacting anymore.
honestly, we all noe nobody's perfect n i'm not a saint. i have many minus pts dat i am fully aware of but i can say firmly dat unless i c the need to or there is a person or thing worth changing for, i'm not going to change anything abt my character. i am exactly who i present myself to b. i dun think i lyk the idea of ppl knowing me inside-out n i lyk being tot to b different from every1 else. sum1 once told me he thinks i try too hard to b different. i was really insulted but come to think of it now, i think mayb there's some truth in it after all. but it doesnt matter does it? i dun need ppl to understand me. i dun have anything to hide. i only ask for ppl to love/hate me the way i am. it doesnt matter which.
random thoughts at 9:02:00 AM
